Day 128

Behind each door, I find new ways to measure myself and find myself inadequate. Perhaps this shortcoming or that failure is why I don’t get to have my daughter anymore. Perhaps this is why my poor baby doesn't get to have her life anymore.

After a long day, I went into the closed hotel restaurant and begged a bit of desert off the bartender who was cleaning up. While eating it, I listened to a family watching television together and playing a board game. They snacked on chips and cheered for each other. What makes them worthy of the joy of a family?

They say that when you’re mourning, you should try not to allow yourself to be distracted. They say that distraction is the natural way people manage pain but if you want to process your grief you should focus on it, give attention to it, and allow your energy to heal it. I don’t know what makes it better or worse. I find that I can’t escape leaning into the sharp turns of life because those crashes come if I want them or not. If there is a way to cushion the blows, I haven’t found it yet.

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