Day 115

I had this big win at work. The last time I had significant monetary success, it was 25% of the size of this one. At that time, I sent an email announcing the win that had nearly as many exclamation points as it did vowels. There was no way to miss my unrelenting passion. That was before Constance passed.

This time, my announcement was a three-sentence summary followed by pages detailing my process. The only indication of my feelings about it was the word “happily,” which I deleted before sending. Replies of congratulations bejeweled with emojis came in. My boss was over the moon. He told me to take the day off and celebrate.

I did nothing for several hours. Then, I got out and stared at my favorite pair of high heels. I didn’t put them. I didn’t wear them out. I didn’t even buy something new to go with them. I just looked at them. They are gut punch gorgeous and astonishingly comfortable. I looked at them and thought, “What a stunning and pointless thing.” When my friend Rachel found out how much money I spent on them, she was gobsmacked. “It’s just money,” I justified, “you can always make more.” If only everything were so easily replaceable.

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