Day 141

Catching up with Constance’s father, he related his day. He explained that he’s become impatient for dishonesty. I’m intolerant of bull too. He said he finds himself asking now that he has freedom what will he do with his time. He contemplated what would he do if each day was his last. He kicked over a colleague’s metaphorical sand castle and then went for a mini-walkabout. What are corporate campuses, for if not contemplative walks on the nature of humanity? He says he just does what he wants now. I concurred and said it hasn’t made me a better person; Just a different one.

In reciprocation, I shared the story of a three-year-old with credulity arguing an anti-banana position at Target. I thought I loved bananas. He says they are gross. Who knew.

For me, I don’t think zen happiness is in living each day as if it were your last. In detail, it would mean never picking up prescriptions or taking vitamins. You might also take up heroin or some other suicidal drug addiction. Pulling back from the literal not being so tied to the embellishments of life easier. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I pity the person’s complete lack of perspective. I used to test the bounds of my soundproofing.

While Constance’s father has mentioned, on more than one occasion, returning to his college winter break occupation of ski patrol, he seems to be biding his time doing the same thing I am. Spending our savings and floundering. I hope he’ll pursue whatever brings him happiness.

For me, happiness is really a matter of brain chemistry. I can’t help but smile, make bad jokes, and optimistically think of all the ways things could work out. For better or worse, that’s how I am wired.

Constance’s passing isn’t the only terrible thing that’s ever happened to me; it’s just the worst by a million miles. I truly feel bad for her more than me. She’s never going to know how great black forest cake is freshly frosted. She’ll miss the incomparable comfort of having a friend you have had for decades. She won’t get to pick an occupation or a partner. I wish more than anything I could have given her an adulthood. I’ve had one and there are parts of it that are unspeakably wondrous; motherhood comes to mind for one.

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