Day 237

When friends ask me how I am doing, I never know how honestly I should answer. In professional settings, it is easy; I simply deflect and try to move on. People ask leading, open-ended, personal questions. Answering them honestly often means sad looks, silence, and pity. In impersonal settings, this is complicated by the complexity of my relationships. Many of my friends have children. Some of my friends are even blessed with grandchildren. They don't want to mention them and see me burst into tears; therefore, they try to focus on topics like politics and cultural activities. I wish there was a way that I could make it easier for them to be friends with me. I feel bad that they are afraid to mention the biggest part of their lives, their children. Conversation is further hamstrung by their knowledge that no part of my life is going well. They ask how I am and I want to say, “I miss Constance terribly.” I want to list all of Constance’s traits and why I miss them. I want to share what Constance and I would be doing that day if she was alive. I want to look them in the eye and say, “It is impossible to fully grasp the reach of pain and the grief of losing your only child.”

Recently, I had the opportunity to enjoy brunch with my dear friend Meg. I set myself the goal of getting through lunch without making either of us cry—a goal I achieved despite writing a memorial note to Constance on the restaurant’s chalkboard bathroom walls. I realized after I wrote it that it would probably be a bummer to future restroom readers and would likely be taken down by the staff. I successfully waited until after brunch before crying until my eyelashes crawled down my face as if fleeing a tidal wave. Meg can’t help that I miss my family or that I am jealous she has one.

I want my friends to be comfortable around me, if possible. I feel like I’m in disguise as a normal person whenever I am in public—something like a wolf in grandma’s clothes. I will add that to my growing to-do list, which includes things like selling my house. Everything seems insurmountable.

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