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Day 221

Updated: Jun 26, 2019

Since the passing of Constance, I have been incapable of doing meaningful future planning. The idea of living without her is anathema to my framework.

How do I make decisions without my primary decision criterion, “How will this impact Constance?” I have tried to replace that litmus test with many others such as, “How does this make me feel now?” and “How will I feel about this in the future.” Unfortunately, if you can't imagine being alive in the future, then you can’t imagine the future at all.

The last nine years of my life were about her. Any parent will tell you that making your kid happy and healthy is the thing that brings you the most joy. When I look through old pictures from over a decade ago, I see a naive girl who thought she’d get married, have a couple of kids, and someday grandchildren. When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

I can tell you exactly what I’d be doing today if Constance was alive. After worship, we’d go to the pool and she’d swim. Then we’d spend the afternoon having a spa day. I liked to wash, pick out, and then braid her hair on weekends because it was long and curly and so weekends gave me extra time to do it slowly and painlessly.

Listening to friends complain about how hard it is to see their kiddos go back to school makes me want to put my head through my windshield.

Yesterday, a different friend told me of her fertility challenges. We concurred with one another that life is not fair.

I keep waiting to wake up and get her ready for our day together. I want the nightmare to end.


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2 Kommentare

Unknown member
22. Okt. 2018

Day 222 is at

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Unknown member
21. Okt. 2018

I am thinking about you girl. I know you can get through this.

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